Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Birmingham City Hall: Old Fashioned Fisticuffs

They really have the city's best interest at heart 

It didn't take long for local politics to take to the national stage when CNN carried the story, "A bloody backroom brawl between the mayor and a council member -- who has now been charged with third degree assault -- at a city council meeting in Birmingham, Alabama, on Tuesday landed both of them in the hospital." (read the story here). Apparently the two gentlemen got into a verbal altercation before deciding to "take it outside" metaphorically speaking. They actually took their discussion to a back room when the discussion led to physical altercation, putting both in the hospital. As with any embarrassing situation, sometimes humor is the best recourse. It certainly did not take long for someone to come up with a parody of the debacle at City Hall:

The Brawl at City Hall (A Parody Video)
It was a you-can't-make-this-up throw down of a day in Birmingham City Hall.
Posted by The Birmingham News on Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin Reminisce about Working for NASA

NASA photo from Buzz Aldrin's Facebook page
“As I made my way down the ladder, I partially closed the hatch, being 
careful not to lock it on the way out (there wasn’t a handle on the door).”

This week marked the anniversary of the first manned lunar landing on July 20, 1969. It was Apollo 11, and Neil Armstrong became the first human to set foot on the moon, “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” There were a couple of items about that mission that I learned this week. Buzz Aldrin (the second man on the moon) posted on his Facebook page, “As I made my way down the ladder, I partially closed the hatch, being careful not to lock it on the way out (there wasn’t a handle on the door).”

The second item of interest was a Reuters headline from 2009 that a friend sent: “Moon landing tapes got erased, NASA admits.” With these two bits of information, I came up with an imaginary conversation between Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. Since Neil Armstrong died in 2012, it is possible that this conversation, or one like it, could have taken place.

Neil Armstrong's telephone rings. It’s his Apollo 11 colleague, Buzz Aldrin on the line:

Neil:  Hello?
Buzz: Neil, it’s me, Buzz.
Neil:  Oh, hi, Buzz. What’s up?”
Buzz: Hey, did ya hear about what happened at NASA?
Neil:  No, what?
Buzz: You know that scratchy staticy recording of your first words on the moon? Well
           NASA accidentally erased it!

Neil:  Erased it? What the ––! So I said it was one small step – I didn’t mean it was    
          insignificant. But that’s what it’s like in government work, isn't it?

Buzz: Yeah, apparently they taped over it by mistake.

Neil:  Taped over it! What did they tape, for cryin’ out loud?
Buzz: Who knows? Hubble pictures from deep space, maybe – or Martian shots
           from Rover? Hell, they could have even used it to tape Oprah’s final
           broadcast for all we know. You remember Finnegan? He used to use all that
           fancy NASA equipment to record Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In on  
          Monday nights!
Neil:  Get out!
Buzz: If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. You know Finnegan had that photo of Goldie Hawn in
           a bikini at his work station.
Neil:  And all in the name of science! Go figure!

Buzz: Well, I don’t know how it happened, but they erased it, alright. I guess you
           and I are just old news, buddy.
Neil:  That sounds like NASA.

Buzz: Yeah, you remember when we were doing all those trial runs before the big  
           launch? And that first time they told us to make sure we didn’t lock the
           hatch on the way out?

Neil:  Yeah, can you believe it? “There’s no handle on the door,” they said.

Buzz: That’s it! I had this fear that I’d follow you down the ladder and hear a
           crazy “click” when I shut the hatch. Uh-oh! That would have been some fix.

Neil:  Yeah – then I’d be thinking, “one small step – and one big dufus for a moon

Buzz: Can you imagine what Collin’s would be saying up in the command
           module? He’d be like, “Houston, we’ve got a problem – and his initials are
           Buzz Aldrin!”

Neil:  I’m just glad we remembered all the steps and made it back home.

Buzz: You know, Neil, I think I’ve still got a tape of that lunar landing down in the
           basement. It’s over there with the vinyl LPs that I can’t play anymore. You
           want me to send it?

Neil:  No, Buzz, you don’t have to send it. I saw it last week on YouTube. I can see
           it any time I want, as long as nobody takes it down.

Buzz: Well, I gotta go Neil. I’ve got a lecture date. There’s a third grade class over   
            at Park Elementary waiting to hear about the Apollo missions.

Neil:  Well just tell ‘em the good stuff, Buzz. Leave the tape glitches and Goldie
           Hawn out of it!


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Tower of London May Once Again House Seditious Criminals

The White Tower of London

Marguerite Harbert, heiress of Birmingham based Harbert Construction and richest person in Alabama, has offered to purchase the Tower of London for the good of the country. Inspired by the late Robert McCulloch who purchased London Bridge and moved it to Arizona, she envisions placing the Tower of London on the Alabama River in Montgomery, in proximity to the Alabama Shakespeare Festival Theater. The heiress would like to return the Tower to its historical role of prison for high ranking officials guilty of acts of sedition.

Alabama is the perfect home for the Tower of London,” Ms. Harbert told the press. “First of all, we have that sixteenth century mindset that is all but lost in much of Western Civilization. Second, we are a hotbed of seditious political leaders. First, there was Judge Roy Moore defying the federal courts for a second time, even after being removed from office for the first offense. Now, both of Alabama’s senators, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III and Richard Shelby, have committed the latest seditious act by signing the infamous letter to Iran from 47 Republican senators in hopes of undermining the work of the leader of the free world, President Barack Obama.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III
Roy Moore
Richard Shelby

The proposal being put forth is to allow the Tower of London to once again be used as a place of imprisonment to seditious public officials. Roy Moore, Jeff Sessions, and Richard Shelby are the top choices for the state of Alabama. If the project moves with success, there may also be a future for Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney to receive what Shakespeare might term “poetic justice” for the torture king of water boarding. The only hurdle is the Alabama State Legislature which the heiress sees as no problem since they have proven to open to monetary persuasion. 


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Judge Roy Moore Stands in the Gap in a State Awash In Moral Depravity

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore sees humanity awash in unspeakable sin, and only he can stem the tide of depravity. Thus, the judge who seeks to preserve the laws of the Bible decided to work on the Sabbath by issuing an order late Sunday forbidding any Alabama justice to issue marriage licenses for any gay couples seeking to wed in the state. This, of course, in defiance of the federal court’s recent ruling that Alabama’s ban on same sex marriage as unconstitutional.

“Constitution be darned!” exclaimed the Judge, being careful not to use the Lord’s name in vain, “If that's the way these liberals interpret it. We must uphold our state’s long held standards of decency.” The judge noted that Alabamians, though decent and God-fearing people, will lapse into unspeakable sin and degradation if gays are allowed to marry, citing on national television (see below) that nothing would stop fathers from wedding daughters or mothers marrying their sons if we allow gays and lesbians to marry. When the question came up of where the judge got such degrading thoughts, one preacher said, “It’s from reading the Book of Leviticus – you wouldn’t believe some of the filth in those pages. He’d be better off taking a break and reading D.H. Lawrence for a while.”

“We stand for biblical principles,” Judge Moore declared. “In this state, we have stood with Injun fighters, slave holders, land barons and company bosses, but I’ll be Gosh Darned,” he said choosing his words carefully,” if we are going to stand with gays at the marriage altar.”

*    *    *  

The following, unfortunately, is not satire:
Ku Klux Klan Supports Judge Roy Moore

And this: